Danger Will Robinson! Careful of The Coyote and The Snake! Holy crap A Coyote? A Snake? Here? … Where? Poor Will Robinson. Bitten by the snake, he would have survived if not for the paralysis that set in. Lying motionless …. mauled, bones spit out, by the Wiley Coyote. Where are we? Lost In Space? No we are in … A Retirement Community!

Boy am I in for some shit when this gets around.

The Grumpy Retiree

So here I am in a lovely Active Adult 55 and over community. Sitting in my Beautiful House drinking way too heavily late at night; (9:37 PM). I know this is not going to end well but here goes.

It Starts with The (APB) All Points Bulletin

Here in the suburbs of Raleigh North Carolina, there seems to be a coyote roaming the streets and alleyways, eating small dogs, children and Active Adults (senior citizens). I am not really sure about the dogs or the children, but let’s face it senior citizens, your old tender meat just falls off the bone. Can you blame the coyote?

Honestly, I haven’t heard of anyone getting chomped on by a coyote or getting a nip from a snake in our 55+ Hood. But our fearless community leader sent out a heads-up that someone spotted a coyote roaming around. I guess it’s just a friendly reminder to keep our eyes peeled. Plus, it probably helps dodge any pesky lawsuits. And, let’s face it—with all the trees being chopped down to make room for more houses, what’s a poor coyote supposed to do? What came first? The Coyote or the House?

And though I seldom tune into the local news, I find it hard to believe I’d overlook something as alarming as a coyote attack. Especially considered I am surrounded by 900 or so 55+ active adults, telling me to be Careful of The Coyote and The Snake!

There isn’t much that evolves in Boomer City that goes unnoticed, unannounced or unreported. 900 old people translates into roughly 1400 reasonably good eyes checking up on the comings and goings within their (bad) eyesight. Somehow boomers have trouble with the typical eye chart, but bring your trash out just 1 time in your bathrobe, and you are spotted a mile away.

Mash That Snake!

And the poor solitary snake. If a snake’s sole worry was a coyote, it’s life would be splendid. But when an APB is sent via proper channels, IE: Facebook, the poor snake cannot not slither away fast enough. Consequently a posse of rake wielding, shovel hurling and baseball bat swinging boomers will descend the steepest of slopes to mash that deadly snake sunning itself harmlessly on a rock.

Some snakes here in NC are poisonous mind you, and any snake inhabiting the 55+ Hood is automatically deemed a venomous demon. Regardless if it is a harmless Ring-Necked Snake or venomous Copperhead they all stand little chance of survival.

The Petrification of The Nation, One Alert at a Time

I don’t know what is is about these alerts and my grumpiness. Nevertheless, they just don’t get along and play well in my head. I know everyone is well-meaning when they see you walking your Crockadoodle and immediately blurt out the latest coyote news flash. My opinion is you do not need to warn someone to watch out for a coyote in an area coyotes live. Specifically, be a little self aware and observant why don’t you? Unfortunately we have to pander to the lowest common denominator, which somehow keeps defying mathematics and drops lower.

Daily warnings, breaking news and alerts just aggravate me! And if anyone does not need more aggravation piled on one’s self, it is The Grumpy Retiree. I have turned off all the alerts on my phone that interrupt my calm demeanor. No weather alerts, Amber Alerts or even text or phone alerts. Additionally, I keep my ringer turned off! It is not like anyone is calling to invite me to dinner. The day the world is spinning violently out of control I prefer to be pleasantly surprised verses a wide eyed frenzy.

At my advanced age I have concluded bad things can happen almost any time. I tend to be careful not to strap a lightning rod to my head in a thunderstorm or tape hot dogs onto my dog when we go for a walk. Taking all the sensible precautions, I just can’t worry about the coyote. Could it happen? Sure. But I venture to say there are many more dog on dog or dog on people attacks lashed out daily. Nobody puts out an alert warning me that Lassie hasn’t been fed and is on the prowl.

For the record, I don’t recommend taping hot dogs or any tasty meat product to your dog. The dog would likely twirl itself into exhaustion trying to get the snack while the coyote scurries away in fright.

Irrational Behavior or An Abundance of Caution

There are a few things you don’t do in life if you can help it, They all fall into the “Don’t Poke The Bear” category. Seems pretty simple. Don’t do stupid shit, right? Most people full well understand when they are doing something stupid. But somehow, when things go wrong, they still seem surprised. As the saying goes: A good story never starts with “Using an abundance of caution I …”.

A good story never starts with “Using an abundance of caution I …”

The Grumpy Retiree

When did “Caution” become “An Abundance of Caution”? I absolutely hate that phrase. It usually means we are going to go so far overboard being careful that it crosses into irrational behavior. Isn’t caution just caution? You fill the glass with water, you don’t fill the glass with an abundance of water. Abundance of caution seems redundant at best and a way to over react. All I can think of is the late great George Carlin explaining how Hot Water Heater is redundant.

Not Just the Coyote We need to be Petrified About

It’s not only the proverbial ‘big bad Coyote’ that has people on edge these days. Apparently ordinary occurrences are getting inflated into full-blown horror stories to put everyone on high alert. Take the weather, for instance. Time for a reality check people! If you’re tucked away in Buffalo, NY, ensconced in the heart of New England, or holed up in the Upper Peninsula Michigan, and you find yourself amidst snowfall in January, that’s hardly groundbreaking. That’s just Tuesday! Getting worked up over it? Spare me, this is par for the course, and it’s high time for everyone to remember that.

Weather lore and forecasting started innocently enough with “Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky in morning, sailor’s take warning”. For someone living in Idaho I never understood how that phrase would relate, but is was at least catchy and didn’t scare the crap out of you.

Weather or Not, Here I Come

All of a sudden El Niño and his sister La Niña moved into the weather landscape. Regardless how many times the weather person reminds me of their meaning, the definitions flee my mind within about 3 nano seconds. How about something like this: “Suffices to say, Some crappy weather is on the way” or “Looks like we are in for a crappy cold winter.” That I understand.

But Now? Now, all of a sudden, we have Bomb Cyclones, Atmospheric Rivers & Lakes and the Polar Vortex. I believe Santa uses the Polar Vortex to deliver Christmas presents to the good little children cowering under their beds petrified to death of … The Polar Vortex. I studied meteorology in college and never heard of any of these. I cannot completely disregard the lack of scholarly attention in college, but I feel Bomb Cyclone would have made it to a pop quiz at least once.

Don’t Poke the Bear (or The Grumpy Retiree)

Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe … just maybe … it’s a Grumpy Old Man thing. Yes I admit it, but I don’t care. Shortly after the first Careful of The Coyote and The Snake alert came out my wife and I were walking the Crockadoodle. A well meaning neighbor made sure we were aware of the coyote. After all, we were putting not just our lives at risk, but the life of our tasty dog.

My wife, after some pleasantries, thanked her for the valued information. However, The Grumpy Retiree …. Well …. I blurted out something about having to live my life. Adding most likely the damn coyote would study the situation and determine someone was far more tender & tasty than me and hightail it to the hills. And, because I wasn’t quite done, explained wild animals usually only attack when provoked, protecting or really really hungry.

Of course she was the 1 in a million that had a coyote approach her. How close an encounter and the dreadful details I am a bit skeptical about since she had all her limbs and fingers intact and was no worse off for wear than however many years were on her ….. I better stop. Subsequently, in my Grumpy Mind, it only proves my point. The coyote left her alone.