How to Communicate Better With Your Dog
Do you want to communicate better with your dog? This article offers absolutely no help on that subject. The internet is all about soundbites and this title is just that. Apps & programs used for blogging give you many tips, from how good your title is to inclusive language. Testing titles for this article I started with “Why Do Your Communication Skills Suck”. The program I use gave me 48 out of 100 as an effective title. In the end “How to Communicate Better With Your Dog” scored 84/100, which was the best by far. Is it the appropriate title, no. But all I need to do it catch your attention, so there. Here are my title attempts for a catchy title.
- Why Do Your Communication Skills Suck 48/100 – (First & Worst attempt)
- 8 reasons Your Communication Skills Suck 57/100 – (Didn’t have 8, so glad this didn’t work.)
- The reasons Your Communication Skills Suck 66/100 – (Getting better)
- Your Communication Skills Are of A Two Year Old 68/100 – (Most appropriate/almost used.)
- How to Communicate Better With Your Dog 84/100 – (BINGO!)
There are all sorts of little tips for writing a blog, most of which I either ignore or simply break. So here we are. Thanks to the inner workings of the internet we have a catchy title with no meaning to this article. But as I rant and rave as usual, I will probably weave dog communication in also.
Another little helpful tip I fail at miserably: Inclusive Language.
“Avoid using stupid as it is potentially harmful. Consider using an alternative, such as uninformed, ignorant, foolish, inconsiderate, irrational, reckless.” (Note: It doesn’t seem to mind Crap, Shit or Asshole as much.)
Vulcan Yard Sale: My Crap to Your Crap, Your Money to My Money
The real title should have been “Your Communication Skills Are of A Two Year Old”. Pretty simple and to the point. Let me set the stage. As a recent retiree I have an abundance of 2 things; Time and Stuff. With my newfound free time I slowly started to get rid of useless accumulated crap. Compared to many people, I actually have very little junk hoarded away. But as decades fly by you realize you don’t need 3 metric tons of #10 pan head screws or …
Not giving these up without a fight!
Therefore, in an endeavor to remove useless clutter from my life, I have started to toss out the real crap and try and sell the good crap. This has its high and low moments. When you look at an empty shelf you immediately think “Wow, I have room for more stuff now”. Then, realizing that was not the purpose of this undertaking, you start to admire the empty shelves. That is a high moment when actual progress is made.
Your Communication Skills Are of A Two Year Old
Conversely, the low moments are dealing with the likes of eBay, Craigslist and Facebook as the options available to sell unwanted junk. It isn’t so much eBay, but Craigslist & Facebook users are inconsiderate morons. (I didn’t use stupid.)
You start by placing an ad with a few lovely photos of the junk for sale. Within a few minutes some idiot, usually on Facebook, contacts you wanting your phone number to immediately send you payment via some app to be picked up by a 3rd party. Reeking of a scam, I tell them very politely, drop dead dickwad. That usually suffices and then I wait for the next inconsiderate dickwad, which is the crux of the story.
Can You Form a Thought or a Sentence?
Here is the typical conversation:
The Moron: Do you still have the diamond tipped flubinator?
Me: Yes, thanks for your interest. When are you available to pick it up? I live in Squalor, NC.
The Moron: ……….
(Crickets. No response. Nothing.)
Me: Do you still want this?
The Moron: Crickets.
Me: I’ve called 911 and am sending an ambulance.
You’ve obviously fallen and you’re in need of medical attention!
WTF? A simple response such as “Sorry, Squalor is a bit out of my way. Thanks for getting back in a reasonable time-frame and good luck selling the diamond tipped flubinator! BFF!”
You simpleton! You started this friggin conversation! Are you simply doing a survey? I know sometimes people may be busy, but almost every Facebook user is glued to their phone. They didn’t miss the text for 6 hours damn it! For someone such as myself, who tries to respond quickly to everyone about sale items, I cannot understand why this is so difficult. You either want the item or don’t! You want to negotiate price? Sure, maybe I will maybe I won’t. But this BS of inconsiderate communication has to be dealt with.
Enter The Grumpy Retiree. I started adding to all Facebook Marketplace and Craigslist listings the following informative nicety:
NOTICE: If the item is still listed I STILL HAVE IT! Don’t ASK!
NOTICE2: Don’t contact me telling me you want to pay with Zelle, Venmo, Cash App, Bitcoin, or Gold Pressed Latinum. Or that your (insert one: mother, brother, sister in law, aunt from another mother, uncle, grandmother since deceased, cousin twice removed, pet cat) will pick the item up tomorrow. Stop Being Stupid Today and You Can Start Being Smart Tomorrow!
Initially I thought that may be a bit harsh and turn off a prospective buyer. However, I now realize I was not harsh enough. People just don’t get it! I plan on adding:
Notice3: If after I respond you don’t have the common courtesy to reply back in a complete intelligible sentence within 6 hours, I will consider you to ignorant to purchase whatever I am selling. (Unless you offer me double the price.) Have a Nice Day or Don’t, Your Friend or Not, The Grumpy Retiree.
As a side note, some Facebook Marketplace Groups take offense at some of the above, likely the Too Stupid part and remove my ad. To them, you are just allowing ignorance to propagate. An Idiot by any other name is still an Idiot.
Are You Taking a Survey or Are You an Interested Buyer?
Facebook Marketplace is the prime offender. I have had some great sales, some people know how to communicate clearly and a sale is struck. They actually show up within the time-frame discussed. Same on Craigslist. However, I have noticed a bit of a trend. Most of the people that communicate succinctly have surpassed the age of 50. I have made some sales to younger people, but 80% of the good communicators are an older crowd. That is a little harder to know on Craigslist, but on Facebook I can see your dumb ass posts and profile.
Before anyone says a word. I know Facebook Marketplace has a button you can click that says “Hi, is the flubinator still available?” I blame this squarely on Mark Zuckerberg. We have dumbed down conversation and thought process to 2nd grade level. Thank you social media. Remember, it is not required to press that stupid button or be ignorant, it is a lazy ass choice. Regardless, a simple response, once common courtesy has become uncommon courtesy.
No question, the people that and strike a deal and show up are definitely older. I thought it could be related to the old crap I am selling appealed to an older crowd, and sometimes that is true. But in general when the lines of communication fall apart it’s younger people. And sorry ladies, young women are the absolute worst. Regardless, you all need to get your shit together! I hated English while in school, and while not a good writer, I can form basic sentences. This is what you need: The Elements of Style. Of course, available at Amazon, and in this case please buy a copy!
I Could Care Less! Please Learn How To Communicate!
The excuses also are always a bit of a train wreck. Instead of saying “Changed my mind” it is always a song and dance when pressed. Many of the excuses are about money. If you don’t have the CASH why in God’s Name are you shopping for CRAP?! Here are some of the recent stories I’ve heard:
- Thank you. I think the gold would look better with my China dishes. Have to recover from holiday spending before I consider purchasing. Hope it will be available! (I hope it is sold. And it is!)
- Thank you. I think your umbrella is probably much better than other ones on Facebook. My budget is tight this month because of my subcontractors just sent me over $100k bills
(Thanks for the info, I could care less.) - Yes, I am, but I’m attending my father’s funeral today out of town. (And you are buying stuff on Facebook? And texting messages? Must be a gift for a Celebration of Life.)
- I’m having my hair done, it will be 2 hours. I’m still on the chair, it will be a bit longer. Just blow drying, be there in 1.5 hours. Looks like I will hit a lot of traffic, sell it to someone else. Can you mail it to me? (Sorry, I’m having a manicure, don’t want to mess my nails.)
- I have. Covid I would like can I pay on an app (What? You like Covid? I’m confused.)
- Hi, is this still available? I am an independent therapeutic massage therapist. Would you consider to barter with 2 Sessions of massage worth up to $320. (You haven’t seen me, you will regret that deal.)
Not all experiences are bad, some people know how to communicate. A woman purchased an item and sent me arrival time which was accurate to the minute. Not hard to do with Google Maps, but many still can’t get here on time. A dog car seat, a sign, large cooler, some planters and a woman’s bicycle were all sold successfully. The 3 items sold to younger people were some tools, Christmas lighting and a nice hardwood piece of furniture. All bought by younger guys.
And I have plenty of items that would appeal to anyone. A young woman purchased camping equipment. She was easy to communicate with and showed up on time. She was also the only younger woman to successfully buy anything from me. I know meeting a stranger for an item can be of concern, so I always offer to meet in a public place.
I am sure you are thinking “You are such an miserable old F*&#. It must come through in your tone and nobody wants to deal with you.” While miserable old F*&# has some truth to it, in this case that is far from the truth. I respond quickly every time. However, my wife just purchased and item on Facebook Marketplace and she had the SAME issues with communication and she was trying to BUY something! It took hours to get the information to make a simple purchase!
Unfortunately we slipped down the good communication slope. Three to five letter sentences and emojis are normal styles of the day. There just isn’t time to write a sentence. If anything, communication is instantaneous now, we have more time to do it well. Growing up we got the inkwell and quill pen out, grabbed some birch bark and started writing. Handed off to the post office (pony express) and 15 days later it was delivered. Then, wait 3 months for a response. Not unlike Facebook Marketplace buyers.
The only 5 emojis needed for daily communication:
😂😎🤮😇👍
The only 3 special occasion emojis needed (in proper order):
🦍💨🙊
Too Stupid (terribly sorry: ignorant) To Know It
I have touched upon this topic before, and it is a bit philosophical. Too Stupid To Know It, how would you know? Where does Intelligence and Opinion intersect? I am just tired of dealing with uninformed, ignorant, foolish, inconsiderate, irrational, reckless people. In other words STUPID! I am tired to have to pander to the lowest common denominator. Meet me at least half way, please! Make an effort!
Lastly, How to Communicate Better With Your Dog
At least he listens and responds. All you need.
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