Life Hacks, Your Life is A Hack
Is it possible to go through one day avoiding bullshit articles spelling out the “Latest Life Hack”? Please understand, I don’t read these articles out of actual interest. I read them only for research purposes for this blog. I am doing all the dirty work and taking the bullet so you don’t have to read this crap. The Hack article crap I mean, not this wonderful blog, which is probably the highlight of your day. Since I have no travel to planned to share, it’s time for some Grumpy Grumblings.
Everyone is looking for that life changing moment. Stupid life hacks are not new. Adam & Eve had the first life hack or tip. Adams was looking for an apple peeler when Eve said “just bite into it like this”. End of story.
These are frequently simple “tips” that make people feel smart or are ideas that have been around for years. Wow, there are multiple ways of doing something? These “Life Hacks” in themselves may be useful for someone new to travel, just call them what they are, not some earth shattering news! How about something like Basic Travel Planning Advice for Beginners.
Life Hacks, Cute Tricks to Outright Selfishness
Inevitably these “life hacks” fall into a few select titles to grab our attention. Money, Travel and Lifestyle hacks are a few prime examples. Everyone wants more money and everyone wants to travel more, so we are lured in like a fish to a worm. Titles frequently start with “The 25 Greatest Travel Hacks of All Time” or “17 TikTok Travel Hacks that will Blow Your Mind”. If your prime source of just about anything in life, from news to life advice, is coming from TikTok you need therapy. And there is a TikTok for that: “The Top 21 TiKTok Hacks that Explain How to Get a Real Life“.
Not to be outdone there are Genius Hacks. Why are they genius hacks? Because Greatest and Mind Blowing are already taken. In this following genius hack they simply want you to click on any link and buy some moronic product. Nothing in this Genius Hack Link I found on Apple News qualifies as genius. If it does, 80% of the world population is a genius. Under bed storage? Holy Crap, I’ve been doing that since 1963. I just call it lost stuff.
This item is a Genius Hack? The author says it makes your TV look like you are at a movie theater! More like a Chuck E. Cheese. Available on, you guessed it: Amazon
And don’t try to d-dig what we all s-s-s-s-s-say (Talkin’ ’bout my generation, The Who)
Maybe it is a generational thing. These hacks simply explain ways to score flight seat upgrades, pack efficiently or save money. GenZ and Millennials are going to invent all sorts of actual Mind Blowing and Genius things over time. Save the enthusiasm for something actually mind blowing! Using words like hack to describe things us old people did forever is NOT Genius! Don’t get me wrong, we had the same crap but we simply called them tips. Seems they don’t want to admit we knew that long ago before them, so a new word makes it seem fresh. Get over it.
Let me show you something.
Is it a hack?
No, it’s a tip.
I only do life hacks not tips.
Aren’t they the same thing?
No, hacks are cool, tips are for old people.
I will remember that next time I am at the restaurant. I will leave a life hack if my server is young and a tip if they are old.
The Grumpy Retiree
Travel Hacks, or as I call them: Common Knowledge
Many life hacks fall into 2 categories: Bullshit or Re-Heated Bullshit. It seems some people on social media live their complete life on social media and think everyone else does. Somehow they avoided the real world thinking whatever they just saw on YouTube is important and helpful information which needs passing on to the average moron. Truthfully, the average moron is smarter than that. It is the complete idiots they are pandering to.
Below are some of my favorite “Travel Hacks”. Unless you just woke up from a 50 year coma or were transported from the year 1792, many of these travel hacks are more appropriately called Stupid or Common Knowledge.
Apply for TSA PreCheck. – What a unique thought. If you have been to an airport at all in the last 15 years, you know about TSA PreCheck, which started in 2013. Maybe the average TikToker thinks is a new and novel program? No clue, but thank god I now know about this hack.
Mark your bag fragile (even if nothing’s fragile in there) – You really don’t understand what you have just done. Any bag marked fragile is the equivalent of saying “Test this bag, shake it, roll it and drop kick it.” It is a huge target on that bag.
Stuff Your Clothes in Vacuum-Sealed Bags – I am unsure how this works exactly. You vacuum seal clothes at home and have a bag filled with 70 pounds of vacuumed sealed clothing. It is now over the normal weight limit and costs extra to fly. Are you carrying a vacuum device to re-seal for the trip home? How do you get them all back in the bag? How about burning the clothes for the return trip? They will be lighter and smaller. Here is my packing travel hack: Bring Less Stuff! If I am vacuum sealing anything it is an aged 8oz. filet mignon.
Avoid Booking Fees by Buying Plane Tickets in Person – I can sit in my underwear and book my travel, or jump in the car and drive an hour, pay for parking and then wait in a line to speak to an oh so cheerful airport agent. Pay in cash avoiding all suspicion. Then drive an hour back home, smiling and whistling as you think how smart you are. Savings $7, less gas and parking a loss of $33.95 actually. Immediately brag online about your $7 “savings”. Prepare for online ridiculed.
Filter Flights by the Cheapest Dates – Everyone knows if you have any flexibility to do this. I can’t remember the last time I searched for “most expensive flight possible”.
Politely Ask For Seat Upgrades – Yeah, that works. Your so special they just love to see you and give you an upgrade to 1st class … for free. Frequent flyers get these “free” upgrades. The airline can’t wait to give you an upgrade when they can sell it to someone.
Stay at Airbnb and then call the host directly to get a room next time, circumventing Airbnb – The premise here is that while in Guatemala or wherever you get the host’s phone number of the AirBnB. Next time your headed to Guatemala, just give them a ring and negotiate a cheaper room. What possibly could go wrong? Start with the AirBnB room owner tossed off AirBnB to save you some money. Or you trash the place because, well, you are trash, and the homeowner is screwed as you claim you weren’t there. Better yet the room owner could take your cash & re-book, which you completely deserve.
Ribbon on luggage – done by my grandmother during her trip over on the Mayflower.
Packing Cubes – If anyone ever mentions packing cubes or rolling your clothes again, ever, anywhere ….
Play dead in airplane aisle and window seat so no one sits in their seat to get the row to yourself – This is a real pip. Like that works with assigned seats. This only could work on the crap airline called Southwest where ass puckers like this fly. Get the fuck up loser! The idea is you and significant idiot have the middle and window seats. So you sit in the aisle and window seats and make believe you are asleep or better yet dead, at least from the neck up. The person that has the aisle seat just happily moves on to … I don’t know, just free to roam the cabin? Then you get the row to yourself. If you are in my seat you are moving, one way or another.
Hacking My Way Past Travel Hacks
It is not just the travel hacks that get under my skin. I laugh about hacks that people think they were the first to figure it out when in fact us old people figured it out long ago.
Envelope stuffing (old) vs. Cash Stuffing (new) – This “new life hack” started just after the invention of money. We would stuff rocks, beads and trinkets in animal hides earmarked for cave rent. However, now it just has a new name called Cash Stuffing. How novel, stuff money into envelopes earmarked for food or brain transplant, conversely you don’t over spend. Here is a real life hack, learn to budget, not overspend and do simple arithmetic in your head. Better yet, stuff money in an envelope marked “stop being a hack” and become rich beyond your wildest dreams. The only stuffing I want comes with a side of roasted turkey.
DUPES, You’ve Been Duped
Dupes, because we don’t have the time in our busy life to say duplicates, is another “special” trend. We previously called them alternatives, which makes way more sense. A duplicate of something is an exact copy while an alternative is another possibility or choice. “I have a duplicate wife” makes no sense unless your wife has an identical twin. Even then I see potential issues. However “I have an alternative wife” makes perfect sense … or maybe not.
Dupes – If we have a new word for it, it must be new. Why in holy hell’s name do we have to come up with a word for things that existed with perfectly good understandable descriptions? Dupes are big for whatever reason with makeup. Instead of high priced makeup use a low cost brand. Duh?
“Instead of high priced name brand makeup try Dupes Body Spackle and Face Putty: Fills Cracks and Attracts.”
The Grumpy Retiree
Travel Dupes are Dupid
Travel dupes are simply an alternative city that usually is cheaper or less touristy. Instead of Paris try an alternative location such as Lisbon. First, there is no Duplicate Paris! There is only one Paris (not to be confused with Paris, Maine) and while Lisbon (not to be confused with Lisbon, Maine) is perfectly fine, it is an Alternative, definitely not a Duplicate! How about just admitting you can’t afford Paris. “I wanted to go to Paris for our anniversary, but my husband was too cheap. We went to Vegas, they have a replica of the Eiffel Tower. It’s a Dupe.” You’re a Dupe!
Just call it what it is and stop the foolishness. Alternatives for just about anything in life exist. I’ll have the sea bass and grilled asparagus or the Fillet O’ Fish. Alternatives not a Dupe. Grow Up. Just say what you mean! People have been looking at alternative places to travel forever. The Pilgrims headed to the Hudson River Valley, but being too crowded they sailed to relatively less touristy Plymouth, Mass. Of course thanks to the Pilgrims, Plymouth is horribly touristy now. Check out the Hudson River Valley, nobody goes there.
Just Plain Stupid Stuff for those Too Stupid to Know It
These next few items fall into just plain stupid.
This is a pisser of an example; unraveling the edge of little white cups you use for ketchup. And why, one may ponder, should I do that? Well, it increase the capacity from about 1 ounce to about 1.07 ounces, give or take a fraction of a gnats ass. But you know those little cups are free, right? You can get 2 cups if you want, filled to the brim with tasty ketchup. Fill it like a soft serve ice cream cone way over the top with a twirl. Or go all wild and get one with BBQ sauce and 1 with ketchup. Show your friends, or friend, or someone you know if you are friendless, how friggin inventive you are. This hack was one of, and I bullshit you not, “200 Incredible Life Hacks That Make Life So Much Easier”. Incredible is the key word, easier not so much.
Just one small dollop more of ketchup. If I only could get 0.07 more ounces in this cup, my life would have meaning. People will think I am special.
Extra Stupid & Kind of Creepy Life Hacks
Use a toilet paper roll as a cell phone speaker – This falls squarely in the Holy Crap category (literally). You’re at a party and a little amplified music will liven the crowd. Hold on and run to the crapper. Meanwhile, as you unravel the double ply Charmin, and voila I have a cell phone speaker. Looking to impress at the next party? The clever Staphylococcus Speaker should do the trick.
Cut cake with dental floss – Another fantastic idea! We frequently lack a knife at a party, but rolls upon rolls of dental floss are available. I see it all too vividly. Time to cut the cake at your niece’s wedding? Out comes the cameras and the dental floss. When finished put on a real show and floss with the cake laden dental floss. Certainly you are forever now known as the creepy uncle. Also, wedding ruined.
Additionally, there is a hack on how to properly lay round cheese on a sandwich and how to properly lay the bacon on a BLT. Then the hack explaining how to push strawberry stems out with a straw!!?? You are insane if you do that, just rip the buggers off like a regular human. And not to be undone, the “proper” way to eat a cupcake. Yes, that’s right you have been living like a cretin. Slice the cupcake in half horizontally and flip the top over so the icing is in the middle. Have we hit bottom? Am I near the end of life yet? Please take me now, I am ready to go.
Aren’t You Exhausted?
Undoubtedly anyone seeking out these life hacks must be completely exhausted. Just doing the research for this article I know I am. Subsequently you spend 2 hours to find the next hack to save you 10 seconds or $1. How about just buying a seat upgrade instead of being an asshole? Let’s be honest, assholes stink. Wouldn’t less assholes be refreshing? Just grab 3 little ketchup tubs and fill them next time. Then prance past someone that’s unraveling the edge of a cup, give them one of yours. What a nice gesture. Consequently what a hero you would be. Certainly the world becomes a better place and you will look and smell better from that day forward.
Many of these “Life Hacks” are harmless little diversions, unless you become obsessed with them. But some of these hacks are ways to screw over someone just because of your greed and selfishness. You feel special that you beat the system. When your granny travels 1000 miles for Thanksgiving and got screwed out of her seat by a life hack loser maybe it will hit home, you putz.
Realistically I have no problem with finding better ways to do something. Once someone invented the wheel, we all jumped on that bandwagon … as soon as 4 wheels were built. Worrying that you are not eating your cupcake correctly or are unraveling ketchup cups, that’s a little crazy. And sometimes a good beating of the system is needed until you cross the point of asshole. So remember: assholes stink.
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