It’s Official, I am Old

As I write this according to the US government I am officially old. I start medicare today. Maybe that is why I am a bit grumpier than normal or maybe it it is due to power washing my tiny home this morning. Either way it seems like a crappy way to start a nice June day in Maine. So it’s time for some Grumpy Contemplations. Let’s get into it!

Nothing But the Best For Me as Long as It’s Cheap

Thanks to websites touting “Best Of” and “Must Have”, regular people are getting priced out of things that were … well regular. Once a trend for something starts it just makes a mess of everything.

People are collecting bourbon, or more accurately, finding a bigger idiot to repurchase a bottle at a much higher price. I thought you were suppose to drink the stuff? I am not so mad at the person re-selling the bottle as I am with the moron buying it. We have too many stupid people in this world that “Must Have” whatever it is at any cost. Simple stuff that never was that special is all of a sudden out of the reach of regular people. I just drink my Elijah Craig which I buy by the gallon at the North Carolina ABC or as I call it the Adult Beverage Center. I like to think of myself as a cheap drunk.

Lines Leading to Lobster

While I am on thee subject of “Best Of” it seems like people nowadays love to stand in lines. The longer the line the more apt someone wants to get in that line. If you asked the last person in a line what the line was for, half the time they wouldn’t know. They just got in it because they didn’t want to miss out on whatever it leads too.

While in Shanghai China during the 2010 World Expo, the line to get into the China Pavilion was up to 8 hours long. So, needless to say, I never got into the China Pavilion. Instead we went to the Nepal and Sri Lanka Pavilions and had a great leisurely time talking with the participants, learning a lot and had great food. Get out of that line and find your own adventure damn it!

“Get out of that line and find your own adventure damn it!”

The Grumpy Retiree

Lobster Leading to Lobster Rolls Leading to Lines

That leads me to lobster rolls which are in the same boat (initially) as lobsters. Frequently tourists come into the winery I work and ask me “where is the best lobster in Maine?” Well that’s pretty simple, they are still swimming in the sea. You are eating some stupid lazy lobster too dumb to stay out of a trap. Smart lobsters are doing the backstroke in the ocean, they are the freshest & tastiest ones. All that exercise makes them so fast and so smart they don’t get caught.

“Where is the best lobster in Maine? Well that’s pretty simple, it is still swimming in the sea. You are eating some stupid lazy lobster too dumb to stay out of a trap.”

The Grumpy Retiree

Lobster and lobster rolls in general are a sore subject for me. There are a few places in Maine purported to serve the “Best Lobster Roll.” Somebody, that thinks really highly of themselves decides where this Best Lobster Roll is located, posts it online, and like flies people swarm there.

First, “Best Of” is subjective in my mind. Imagine sitting eating what you thought was a pretty tasty lobster roll when your Instagram feed says the Best Lobster Roll is 2 miles down the street. Toss that damn thing out and jump in the car, get going!

Lines Leading Back to Best of Lobster

How 1 person can possibly taste all the lobster roll combinations and permutation in the state of Maine is beyond my comprehension. You can’t crown something the “Best Of” until you tried them all right? If it was me, by the time I got to number 6 or 7 I’d be sick of lobster rolls and just crown whichever “Best Of” and call it a day. Which is probably what happens.

And that leads me back to lines. I read someone stood in a line for 2 hours to get THE BEST lobster roll only to think it was good, but they had better. Well, who’s stupid now? Just be honest with yourself. You probably don’t have the best car, best teeth, best spouse, best kids or best breath. So why in hell do you even deserve the best lobster roll? If you walked straight up to a window and ordered a damn fine lobster roll, which you will get at any decent lobster pound in Maine, you could have saved 2 hours waiting in line. That is time better spent sitting by the ocean, taking a hike or buying some mouthwash.

Just as a side note, in 40+ years vacationing in Maine I have had 3 lobsters and 0 lobster rolls. After eating the 3 lobsters I couldn’t figure out the fuss and stopped there. That’s a story for another time, which I am sure you are waiting for with bated breath. Or maybe Baited Breath.

Shameless Plug: I only recommend things and places I have actually been to or used. I ate at Abel’s Lobster Pound on the appropriately named Abel’s Lane in Mt. Desert. I thought the fried clams were pretty darn good. My wife had a sea bug in a roll (lobster roll) and she seemed to like it, … for what it’s worth. The view and service was very good too. I don’t know or care if it was “the best”.

Camping Vs. Glamping vs. Gullible Camping

While at work at the winery I was talking to a young guy, maybe 25 years old, who worked at a Campground For The Gullible. Some smart entrepreneur took Gullible and Camping mashed it all up and got Glamping. It is all I can think of because the guy said people were paying between $500-700 a day to sleep in a fancy tent. If that isn’t the definition of gullible, I don’t know what is. Even the employee couldn’t understand it.

When first married, my wife and I jumped into the Flintstone Mobile and scooted our way from Massachusetts up to Maine for vacation. We would get a campsite for a week, setup the tent, toss in the sleeping bags and a lantern. It was maybe $10-15 a night back then and probably $40-50 now. During the day we went off exploring, we were never really in the tent other than to sleep. If the tent was big or small, fancy or not, it didn’t matter as our eyes were closed most of the time we were inside. After a day hiking or sightseeing we could make a fire or play with fireflies and flashlights once our daughter started to join us. Pretty simple, pretty cheap, pretty good.

Pretty good doesn’t cut anything nowadays. If someone spends 10-15 times as much they should have 10-15 times more fun. Right? People camped back “in the day”, whatever that means, for the combination of 2 reasons, they liked it or it was what they could afford. It was about 50/50 for us. For the price of 1 Gullible Camping night, I stay in my Tiny House in Maine for about 25 days.

Saving all that money I wonder how many lobsters I could eat? I suppose if I ate just one stinkin’ lobster roll I could legitimately send people to were I ate the best lobster roll of my life. Hmmm.