Hold the presses! The Grumpy Gift Giving Idea List is here! Just in time for the holidays!

Once again around 3AM I awake. I can’t get back to sleep no matter how hard I try so I eventually give up and get up. When that happens I head to the couch with the hope I garner a few more hours of shut eye and so not to disturb my wife with my tossing and turning. A change of scenery sometimes does the trick. I made the mistake of looking at the latest news on my phone and see an article on the “50 Best Presents People are going Gaga over for Christmas.” Or something like that. So here is some help, The Grumpy Gift Giving Ideas, just in time for the Holiday Season.

In the name of research, and so you don’t have to do it, I decided to see what I have been missing. I really hate these type of articles, who the hell are these people thinking they have any idea what I want or need? But people can’t resist the “Best Of” anything stories and I am sure they get a lot of views and clicks. It is the “Best Of” isn’t it?

And The Magic Eight 8 Ball Says?

During the Christmas season I move my disposition meter from Grumpy to Grinch. It is not a significant switch as they are alphabetically near each other on the Miserable & Moody Scale. I do not mind buying and giving gifts, my problem centers around figuring out what someone else wants. It would be like going to the restaurant with the family and picking out the meal for every member. The Magic Eight Ball says “meatloaf with brown gravy and parsnips” for Aunt Jenny. Enjoy.

Retailers are more than happy to assist us in the endless choices and must have items. Splashy ads, and even worse online influencers peddling fluff like old time snake oil salesmen. They know 75% of the stuff is never used and this process is repeated every year. Retailers and self storage facilities are in cahoots I am sure.

Grumpy Ways to say “We are not that close”

So I click to see what I have been missing, and if anyone is looking to purchase a gift for me please do not use any of these lists as guidance. Not that I am high on anyone’s gift giving list, Santa lost interest with me years ago. I am on the “Lifetime Naughty List”.

The first item was a small roller of some sort for puffiness. I don’t know exactly what is so puffy that rolling it out like pasta will make it better, but there it is, a must have. If you have puffiness somewhere … anywhere on your body, rolling it out seems like a futile solution. Won’t if just pop up someplace else like the animal balloons clowns make? Roll out one big puffy spot under your eyes and you have 2 big spots on your forehead. That’s better. Someone is excited to open this on Christmas Morning? Nothing says “I love you, I just wish you were not so darn puffy” like a puffy roller. I hope you are planning to eat out for Christmas Dinner. Separately.

Light Duty Puffiness vs. Heavy Duty Puffiness

There also was a device that massaged your scalp that looked somewhat like a flat sea urchin with spiky points. I don’t know the specific mechanics of this item. Additionally there is an included long list of disclaimers I am sure. There was a sculpting body suit. I see another fight here. A Weighted Eye Mask, likely the cause of the puffiness around your eyes. But lucky us, we already have that solution!

More!

In addition there was a gift guide just for basketball players and one for cheap gifts under $100. Someone obviously doesn’t understand the meaning of cheap as I do. A cheap present starts around 8 bucks, and usually is found at a convenience store or in my closet. There was a ugly 2 person Christmas sweater. I am not sure if it was an ugly Christmas sweater for 2 people or a Christmas sweater for 2 ugly people. This must make for interesting bathroom breaks. Hand wash Only!

Please, Core My Eyes Out!

Next, and my favorite, is the Beard Trimming Bib. If someone told me about this I would have assumed they were poking fun of my intelligence. Had I not seen this with my own eyes I would not have believed this actually existed, or why it exists. The complexities of using this far exceed any possible benefits. When I trim my beard I step aside from the sink, trim, slide hair into wastebasket, done. Why make things easy when we can complicate it?

First, it looks like a small aircraft could land on that runway. After rolling this out like a painter’s tarp, you then suction cup the thing to a mirror. You are now tethered from the neck to the mirror by this runway. At this point you realize, the scissors and beard trimmer are outside your reach 10 feet away. This prompts you to scream to whomever may be within earshot. If it was my wife, she would completely ignore me laughing hysterically while I yanked the bib off the mirror, eyes bulging and profanities flowing, hoping not to pull the mirror crashing down in my fit of rage. This guy seems to be debating: Core out my eyes or jab myself in the temple? Decisions, decisions.

Once the task is complete you somehow have to maneuver this thing and roll it up without loosing the contents. Subsequently, carry it to a waiting vehicle which transports it to a dumpster where you can empty it.

And for those interested, or who think I am just out for a cheap laugh, it can be purchased where else … at Amazon.

Beauty Products Seem Popular

This one caught my attention. It is Lip Sleeping Mask. That in itself was an eye catcher, but I read it incorrectly as Lip Sealing Mask and was definitely intrigued. To be honest, Lip Sealing Mask made more sense to me than Lip Sleeping Mask. Your partner snores terribly at night. Frustration turns to desperation: Enter Lip Sealing Mask. Problem solved.

For a mere $24 for 0.7 Ounces ($4388.57/gallon), you have one of the “Hottest and Most Popular Trending Gifts You Should Be Giving in 2023”. Available in 8 delicious flavors.

Toast Tongs, No More Burnt Fingers

Now for a personal favorite, Toast Tongs. The first time I saw this item was at the winery I work at in the summer. I stood there looking at the item before it was labeled and asked: What the Hell is This!? It was explained that they were toast tongs prompting my response of “is that a thing?” I find myself say “is that that a thing” way more frequently in the last year than ever before. Truthfully, I don’t think I ever said that prior to 2023 because, in general, things sort of made sense before then.

Toast Tongs are “a thing” I can unfortunately assure you. I thought I had a set, called fingers, but was woefully mistaken. How did I survive? For the person that has everything and then some, here is the last item on their lifelong list. You get these and you are done, no more gifts for you.

Honorable Mentions

Next, some honorable mentions from left to right including the Drill Brush Scrubber which makes a vacuum cleaner seem outright romantic. The Life Straw Personal Water Filter. You know you will have that with you when you need it. And the Jerky Bouquet, which may just be the best gift on the list.

Final (How I Wish) Thoughts

The real problem is these is that these lists even exist. There are thousands upon thousands of similar lists just hoping you will click on one so they get there commission from Google or Amazon. If that isn’t bad enough, you are just buying someone more crap they probably don’t need and definitely don’t want.

Eventually, out of curiosity, I searched for “Thoughtful Christmas Gifts”. And low and behold some of the SAME crappy lists popped up! Other “thoughtful” lists were a bunch of inscribed coffee mugs, plaques, more drizzle and trash can fodder. Considering this was all in the name of research, I fully expect to be seeing some really strange ads on my phone and computer. I took the bullet for you. Don’t try this at home.

This brings me back to my earlier comment about the Grinch, a completely lovable character. In the end the Grinch turned out OK despite his odd Christmas coat that left his ass exposed. He found the true spirit of Christmas, or whatever holiday or event we are celebrating. Something that was not on any list.